It’s Sunday and another Eurovision Song Contest is in the rear view mirror. And I guess me making an entry on Eurovision is becoming a biannual tradition here on the blog – I review one year, skip the next and return the year after with batteries recharged and ready to be entertained by two solid hours of music.
That’s the idea at least.
I think the last two times I’ve written an entry on Eurovision have made it relatively clear that I’m not exactly the target audience. So why do I keep turning to it? I dunno, sense of community I guess, getting to cheer and jeer the best and worst picks along with the rest of Europe is a good feeling. Plainly put, I just want to have some fun. And you know what, I definitely had fun watching this year’s participants. There were quite a few more memorable acts this time around, the two hours flew by, and I want to document it right now.
This time around, I’m going to run through the entire batch of finalists, and there will be scores out of ten given for each one.
Norway – Lighter by Kyle Alessandro:
“You couldn’t ask for more.” said Graham Norton once the song had finished.
Mmm, yes we could. Wasn’t too fond of the singer’s dancing at first (in fact, I wrote down that it was giving me Gary Barlow vibes), but he loosened up as time went on. This was a trend setter in terms of visuals though, very impressive on that one, and the show as a whole was a joy to watch from start to finish. To listen to though? Well, we’ll see about that.
Apart from the decent high note though, I did find this to be a bit boring.
5/10
Luxembourg – La poupée monte le son by Laura Thorn:
Maybe sounding like an ABBA-esque tune remoulded for the 2020s helped it considerably, but I enjoyed this one a lot more than most. I’m a sucker for songs that sound like throwbacks, and for confident performers like Laura Thorn who I hope goes far.
7.5./10
Estonia – Espresso Macchiato by Tommy Cash:
Never judge a book by its cover. When the introductory footage began rolling and me and my Mum took our first look at Tommy, she immediately wrote him off as “looking like an incel”. When the song started, we had our heads in our hands. Three minutes later, I couldn’t help but smile a smidge. It grows on you, this song. It was an early reminder to not be such a cynical bastard and enjoy the good times.
6/10
Israel – New Day Will Rise by Yuval Raphael:
No.
0/10
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Lithuania – Tavo akys by Katarsis:
Started off with me saying “turn up the mic, we can’t hear you.”
Ended with “never mind, should’ve kept it turned down.”
Katarsis? Stick it up your arse, sis.
1/10
Spain – Esa diva by Melody:
You have to be brave to go on stage in front of a whole watching continent and bare the name Melody – One bum note and you’re finished.
You know that Peter Kay stand-up routine about misheard lyrics? Yeah, we had that problem with this song. We could’ve sworn she was saying “Check out me beaver.”
If Spain really wanted to win this year as Graham said then that wasn’t going to do the trick.
3/10, for unintentional comedic value.
Ukraine – Bird of Pray by Ziferblat:
Another Peter Kay moment, this time we thought the singer was saying he was going to be “buying you pizzas.” It was a very whole-lot-of-nothing performance which could be summed up by the constant strolling back and forth which made us wonder if he was doing a sponsored walk.
Come on Ukraine, you’re better than that.
3/10
Intermission – Sandre Struder:
Douze points!
No seriously, that was better than anything we’ve had so far.
United Kingdom – What the Hell Just Happened? by Remember Monday:
It…wasn’t bad. In fact, it was good. Huh.
I mean, it was frighteningly close to screechy at times but everything came together very nicely and for the first time since I started watching Eurovision, I actually thought we did well (I missed 2022 and Sam Ryder). Good on Remember Monday, they did a grand job and to end up doing worse on the scoreboard than Olly Alexander did is an injustice.
So yeah. Turns out Sam wasn’t a fluke and we can put on a good show at Eurovision. Shame the public disagreed (nul puis, my arse).
7/10
Austria – Wasted Love by JJ:
Did anyone tell JJ the opera house was next door?
Seriously though, even though I didn’t really care much for this song, I have no problem at all with it winning after what was damn near a major PR disaster for the contest.
5/10
Iceland – Róa by Væb:
Throw everything up to and including the kitchen sink into the performance and get it sung by what appears to be Iceland’s answer to Jedward, and you have an effort that I couldn’t help but like.
6/10
Latvia – Bur man laimi by Tautumeitas:
While the costumes were almost definitely a choice (not helped by an image on the Eurovision subreddit of the group with axolotl heads), this was another that seemed to tick all the boxes.
Harmony? Check.
Choreography? Check.
Atmosphere? Check.
It just needed a bit of extra punch but that was all.
Dare I say it, I’m rather enjoying myself tonight…?
7/10
Netherlands – C’est la vie by Claude:
A tribute to Mum is always nice. This started very well when it was just Claude on his own, but once the beat started the song descended into cookie cutter unfortunately.
4/10
Finland – Ich komme by Erika Vikman:
Sadly I missed some of this as I had to take the dog out for a wee. What I did see could be best described as f*cking bananas, in a good way. Finland is always a reliable country in the contest and this year was no exception. All credit in the world to Erika for having the balls to go that high on something that looked so flimsy. Tom Cruise, eat your heart out.
Loved it, loved it, loved it.
8/10
Italy – Volevo essere un duro by Lucio Corsi:
Subtitles? How considerate! Aesthetically, this was my cup of tea. Musically, not so much, it’s the same problems that Norway had except this was dry and drab. Harmonica may be a weakness of mine but it wasn’t enough to salvage this song from an act my Dad dubbed ‘The Beige Stripes’.
3/10
Poland – Gaja by Justyna Steczkowska:
Again, great to watch, not so great to listen to – A key or two too low for my tastes. Good attempt from goth Daenerys, but it ain’t for me.
3/10
Germany – Baller by Abor & Tynna:
Jendrik, come back, all is forgiven.
0/10
Greece – Asteromata by Klavdia:
Barely wrote anything down for this one. Just ‘epitome of style over substance’.
2/10
Armenia – Survivor by Parg:
Saturday May 17th 2025 seemed to be a day of crumbling empires. Here in the UK, we saw Manchester City fail to win the last possible piece of silverware (Well done, Palace, very happy for you), and in Basel the songwriters behind contest winners Tattoo and The Code brought us this.
I was genuinely onboard with this song until we reached the chorus. Then me and my Mum realised this sounded like Vindaloo and we gave up hope.
4/10
Switzerland – Voyage by Zoë Më:
Was Barbra Pravi not available?
Took me a while but I was just about fine with this by the time it finished.
5/10
Malta – Serving by Miriana Conte:
Serving vanilla.
Fine. Next.
4/10
Portugal – Deslocado by Napa:
Repeating what I said with Estonia, don’t judge a book by its cover. However, whereas with that one I was dismissive from the get go, this time I was overexcited because here was what looked like an indie band. And indeed, the song we got was indie, except it sounded like a more reserved piece from X&Y-era Coldplay. Not bad, not brilliant, probably not the right kind of song for Eurovision but it did reach the finals so c’est la vie.
5/10
Denmark – Hallucination by Sissal:
I liked this one, it was a well-needed burst of energy. Although I swear I’ve heard those ‘ooh’s’ somewhere, the answer has been on the tip of my brain for hours now and it’s pissing me off.
6/10
Sweden – Bara bada bastu by KAJ:
Phenomenal.
Call me predictable but this was by far and away my favourite performance of the evening. I have no notes, it just made me smile and giggle the whole way through and you better believe I’m adding it to my playlist.
10/10
Intermission – Waterloo
When I said there’s a sense of community about watching Eurovision, the whole of Europe coming together to have fun, this is what I meant. 36,000 people singing Waterloo? Beautiful.
France – Maman by Louane:
It’s another motherly tribute sung in French. Lovely. Not to take away from Louane’s performance but I guarantee that it’s going to be parodied for a cereal advert within the next five years.
3/10
San Marino – Tutta l’Italia by Gabry Ponte:
Clearly the brief was simply ‘sound Italian’. Mission accomplished. Probably a good thing they didn’t employ the same choreographers as France did other wise the stage would probably have been drenched in meatballs.
Oh, the song? Shit. Next.
1/10
Albania – Zjerm by Shkodra Elektronike:
Did the best get saved till last? Did it shite.
All I noted down was my Mum saying the bloke had a big nose.
1/10
There you go then, that’s my verdict on this year’s Eurovision finalists. I’ve had worse nights. And even if every single song wasn’t worth the time, it’s good to remember this:
“There were 11 other songs eliminated, so if you’re not enjoying the songs tonight, just remember, there were worse.” – Graham Norton.
So. That’s another Contest in the books. See you in Austria.
Oh, and for the love of God, can we not come so close to a controversial shitstorm next time? That televote brought us a gnat’s hair away from a major boycott.
A-Side Glance 