Entry #41 – The Ballad of Darren (a.k.a ‘Life’)

It’s fine. It’s a fine album. Nothing groundbreaking, no new Parklife or anything like that. But then again it doesn’t really need to be. Blur had already accomplished what they set out to do decades ago. Anything we get these days we should consider ourselves lucky for. And I’m glad we got them back just one more time.

That was what I initially wrote after hearing The Ballad of Darren for the first time on the night of July 21st, a night I had been gearing up for since the album was first announced months ago. Maybe I set my expectations a bit too high as the big day drew closer and closer but when I finally got to hear a full Blur LP for the first time since I started caring about music, my world wasn’t exactly set on fire.

But let’s be honest, should it be set on fire? This isn’t the 90s anymore (unfortunately), Damon has given us Gorillaz and done a couple of solo LPs, ditto for Graham and his new project The Waeve, Dave has just started his own with Radio Songs (Which has the most uninspired album cover of all time but that’s besides the point), and Alex has become a real life Wallace with his love of cheese. One of these is not like the others.

And indeed it seems that throughout this album Blur themselves are aware of their status in the modern world, as four aging geezers still making quality indie music. But is there a dark shadow cast over The Ballad of Darren?

Track #1 – The Ballad

Kicking off proceedings is a 20 year old track demo’d during the Think Tank era, and indeed it does remind me of Sweet Song and the sentiment surrounding that song whilst Graham was AWOL. To me, The Ballad is similar to opening scenes that take place at the end of the story, like Sunset Boulevard for example. All the shit has hit the fan, the ballad has played for the narrator, and part of their life is now permanently shut. The strings help evoke the latter, being reminiscent of a funeral. Something has disappeared, gone forever, and that will become a running theme as the album progresses. Brilliant opener.

Track #2 – St. Charles Square

Bit controversial but in the run-up to Darren’s release this was my favourite of the two singles. It immediately made me think of the Blur of old as Graham Coxon did his magic and gave us a Scary Monsters-esque guitar riff that wouldn’t have been out of place on the self-titled album.

However, this one does stick out like a sore thumb considering the rest of the album’s sound and tone. There’s something ‘old glory’ about St. Charles Square. In the context of the album it could be construed as being thrown into a new and slightly disturbing environment and trying to adapt to it like you would in the old days. Or alternatively, considering Damon’s comments about ‘ghosts of monsters’, it’s about trying to shirk the outside influences and manically trying to avoid those long and slender claws.

Regardless of the story it is trying to tell, of its black sheep status on The Ballad of Darren, and (if I have to nitpick) Damon’s slightly lackadaisical vocals, I do still thoroughly enjoy this song.

Track #3 – Barbaric

Before I talk about the song proper can I just say I find it strange releasing a single on the same day as the album itself? Was that common practise back in the day?

Anyway, with a drumbeat from Dave Rowntree that sounds like a funky retake of Stephen Morris’ effort on She’s Lost Control, we move from ’97 to 13 and revisit breakups with the most transparent addressing of the matter since No Distance Left To Run. Graham’s guitarwork changes gear as we switch to a lighter, more poppy sound that is juxtaposed with some tearjerky lyrics that makes Barbaric a perfectly pleasant listen and a late-era Blur classic.

I get that St. Charles Square was probably released as a single to reassure older fans, but let’s be honest this song should’ve been in its place. Or at least released a few days before the album was.

Track #4 – Russian Strings

Escapism is something that practically became a necessity a few years ago when we were dragged through the pandemic and had to run from the fact that our lives were at a lowest ebb. And it sounds like the narrator is feeling this way too as they begin by reaching out into the smoke (No doubt created by a certain f*ckwit of a warlord) for a loved one. But rather than confront the truth, they put off realism and the dread that closely follows using some headphones, trips to Belgradian museums and “the hard stuff”. It’s quite a heavy song when you dig into it, and I appreciate that.

Track #5 – The Everglades (For Leonard)

5 tracks in and it does seem about the right time for an intimate acoustic number. Regret well and truly rears its head here for the first time (“Many ghosts alive in my mind/many paths I wish I’d taken”), but it’s quickly fought and pushed against with sprinklings of hope and optimism (“Calmer days will arrive” and “We’re not giving in”). Or so it seems as we get the admittance that it’s too late. By the sounds of it Leonard is in a bad way. Poor sod.

Track #6 – The Narcissist

Ok, lead single time. For me this took a while to settle in as it wasn’t really the big stomping comeback I either predicted nor hoped for from Blur. However, this song actually leans into that prediction, the narrator looking in the mirror and reminiscing about the days that would make their heart pound delightfully. But now they’re older and wiser, and now know that taking acid to get joy out of life is not the way. The Narcissist is a song from the perspective of a person who’s been there, done that, needs to move on. They’re better than what they were. And that does make me wonder if Blur, or specifically Damon, are addressing a certain past event with a more mature pair of eyes. I’ll elaborate later on.

In terms of the music itself, it’s good to have Graham and Dave teaming up on backing vocals. For the longest time I was put off by how understated The Narcissist was and how I felt Graham was being held back from doing his usual tricks. But this isn’t a song that requires it, nor is the album one that needs to him to do guitar riffs that would make a coked up John Squire blush. It’s all about the tale being told, the music is secondary but nonetheless sublime.

Track #7 – Goodbye Albert

The Eastern vibes of The Magic Whip are evoked in the opening to this track, the most explicit breakup song since Barbaric. 80s-style beat, whiny guitarwork, warbly basswork, all come together to create one of the more musically impressive efforts on The Ballad of Darren. Lyric-wise? “Don’t punish me forever” is certainly a line that stings, though I must admit that I initially misheard it as “Don’t punch me”. Thought the album was going in a bit of a dark direction there.

Track #8 – Far Away Island

After Russian Strings touched upon Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, I do wonder if this song is an expansion on that topic, this time focusing on someone being forced to immigrate from a home they clearly miss. The song itself is a letter to the lost, asking how things are at home in the first verse, before assuring the reader that all is well or at least could be worse – It’s not ideal “dancing alone with the moon and the white whale”

Track #9 – Avalon

I do love that chorus and it’s once again another shining example of the inspired melodies present throughout the album. But Avalon is a track that feels like a placeholder, a calm before the storm…

Track #10 – The Heights

The Essex Dogs are barking again. It sounds like that song is trying its damndest to break out and terrify us once more, and in those final seconds we get that cliffhangery static reminiscent of the lo-fi of the self-titled album. It really catches you off guard after how the past half hour has gone since St. Charles Square. Despite how restrained and even laid-back Blur have been throughout The Ballad of Darren, it goes to show that they will never lose that spiky edge of theirs.

Conclusion:

If this is a breakup album as the tone, songs such as Barbaric, Goodbye Albert and The Ballad, and the comments surrounding the album itself would have you believe, then this could easily be conceived as a stripped back rehash of 13. But the key difference here is the maturity behind The Ballad of Darren, and how they are now all grown up. When 13 was made it was by four pissed off blokes orbiting their 30s who thought their lives were spiralling out of control to the point of destruction, sped up by substance abuse. Now they’re in their mid 50s who know that such cataclysmic events aren’t necessarily the end and that they can work their way through it. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt though.

Initially I believed that in some ways this album was an epilogue to the Life trilogy, but now it could be considered one to their careers as a whole; Blur are now at the midlife stage and that is reflected in the overarching theme of regret peppered with the occasional wry smile as the past is dwelt upon. This is not a Blur album that we needed, but neither is it a Blur album which we will ever say no to.

Good to have you back, gents.

Entry #40 – Pulp in Sheffield (a.k.a A cherry I never thought I would pop)

In November 2021 I went to my first ever gig: JARV IS, the latest solo project of Jarvis Cocker, with songs that were destined for the stage such as Must I Evolve?, Am I Missing Something?, and House Music All Night Long. Bonus points for the man himself coming down to shake the hands of people at the front, including yours truly, in a bit of post-pandemic buzz. Extra bonus points for chucking blueberries out to the peckish and telling us the story of Laika the space dog.

Yeah, it was a good night all round but being a Pulp fan I had resigned myself to the thought that this was as good as it was going to get. While it would have been lovely to hear Jarvis bust out some classics like Disco 2000 and Common People (Or Babies as one drunk bloke who kept stepping on my heels repeatedly requested), it was a time of looking ahead to the future and not the past. Again, it’s post-pandemic, we’re on to pastures new, and plus it might get a bit daft singing in your late fifties about standing in a room with a lady in her underwear.

So imagine my surprise when in July last year Jarvis turned round and said Pulp were reuniting.

Come November, I went through twenty of the most nerve wracking minutes of my life as I secured two tickets for myself and my Mum (We agreed the night the reunion was announced that we would go together). Along comes July again, it’s Friday 14th and we’re off to a very damp and miserable Sheffield. Expectations are as high as the water levels on the road outside our hotel. 9pm draws nearer and nearer and still the truth just won’t sink in no matter how hard I try to tell myself it’s happening.

I am going to see Pulp. I am going to see my favourite band. I am going to see what they do for an encore.

Here’s some of the highlights.

I Spy

The screens on each side of the stage helpfully tell us that this is going to be the 553rd gig by Pulp. Historical. The text boxes hype us up. Once satisfied with the noise we’re making, the curtains pull back to reveal the band. A familiar droll drone whispers “I spy…a boy” and then, with an entrance that would give WWE’s Cody Rhodes a run for his money, Mr Cocker himself rises from beneath the stage. Let the mayhem begin.

Disco 2000

Mark Webber plays that oh-so-familiar guitar riff and from that point forward no seat in the building is filled as everyone is on their feet ready to dance to Disco 2000. The moment is punctuated by some streamers. One gets stuck in the rigging above the main floor but who cares, we’re too busy dancing and singing about meeting at the fountain down the road. Five minutes later, once we’re finished and ready for the next round, Jarvis laments that before the year 2000 even rolled around “they f*cking filled [the fountain] in!”.

Something Changed

Earlier this year we tragically lost Steve Mackey and Pulp elected to play their most romantic number as a tribute to their fallen friend. Deservedly so.

Weeds

Why couldn’t people have given more of a shit about We Love Life? Weeds was a surefire single and hearing it live certainly proved that.

F.E.E.L.I.N.G.C.A.L.L.E.D.L.O.V.E

Speaking of things that sounded awesome live. In fact I’d argue that this sounded better live than it did on the LP, as Jarvis helpfully guided us on how to clap to the beat, and the percussion was punctuated by good ol’ fashioned lasers. Worth noting at this point while we’re all dancing throughout the arena, Jarvis isn’t slacking off either. He’s going to turn 60 later this year yet he can still do his signature gyrating like it’s 1995. That man can move.

Sorted For E’s & Wizz

Half the show was in the performance from Pulp. The other half was in the presentation that accompanied them. This was the peak of the latter for me; the aforementioned lasers, colourful beams of light sprawling throughout the arena, all helped match the trippiness of the song. But there was one major piece to this particular puzzle.

This is where I should mention that Pulp have had a few friends join them on this tour. Giving the show a bit of extra grandiosity were the Elysian Collective on strings. And indeed they gave their best performance of the night on Sorted…, as they all donned bucket hats and flailed their arms in the air like they were at Glastonbury. Absolutely hilarious.

This is Hardcore

Well this had to be part of the setlist didn’t it? It’s Pulp’s best song.

Common People

Ditto.

If you know me you know I can’t sing for toffee. I always seem to be in orbit around the right notes. But with thousands of people all singing along too I had no choice and no f*cks to give. This is likely the only chance I’ll ever get to belt out Common People at a live venue so by God I am taking the chance. It was the cherry on top of the cake that was this magnificent night.

Glory Days

That being said, Pulp had a bit more to offer us before heading home for the night. Having seen previous setlists in the build up to the show I had been a bit confused and slightly deflated at the lack of Hardcore-era tunes (After all the tour was built around the phrase “What exactly do you do for an encore?”). But this being their homecoming, the band had to give us something special and that was Glory Days, a song they used to sign off in the most poignant way possible. Combining the song with clips of the band from over the years, going all the way back to when Jarvis was in a wheelchair, Pulp ensured there were few dry eyes in the room.

The text on the screens promised us that this would be a night that we would remember for the rest of our lives.

Truer words have never been spoken. Or typed, rather.

Entry #39 – Be Here Now (a.k.a This review took 1000 days to publish, I kid ye not)

Hello from the past.

I’m writing this at the same time I’m typing up the review for Standing on the Shoulder of Giants and normally I would just wait until I’ve done one before I move on to the other. Because the day I’m writing this is 21st August 2020, the 23rd anniversary of the release of Be Here Now.

A particularly infamous album this one, it’s commonly thought of as the killer of Oasis’ momentum, the executioner of Britpop and the symbol of disappointment for many. Loud and overblown, it has gained a reputation

That was the first time I tried to write an introduction for Be Here Now.

And indeed, at the time I did make a God’s honest attempt to listen to this album in full and type up my thoughts and feelings on the most scrutinised LP of the Britpop era. In fact, I’ve made several attempts over the years. The first time my computer crashed midway through Stand By Me which I kind of took as an omen. I tried again some time later but tapped out at The Girl in the Dirty Shirt. It took until the 25th anniversary of the album in August 2022 to finally listen to it all in full, and even then I couldn’t bring myself to finish the review. I’d love to chalk it up to my personal life getting in the way but frankly it’s not true. I just couldn’t be arsed quite frankly.

I want to like Be Here Now, I really do. The trouble is I like my albums snappy and without overstaying their welcome. And at over an hour long Be Here Now certainly does overstay its welcome thanks to the band’s fixation over making anthem after anthem. But this time I’m hoping I can look past that and just enjoy the music for what it is; loud, bombastic, fuelled by white lines longer than your arm. After all, that’s what has appeared to happen over the last 25 years as the album’s reputation has seemingly shifted from bloated to underrated.

Let’s give it a bash, for real this time.

Track #1 – D’You Know What I Mean?

There aren’t many other songs out there that have the sole intention of saying “Hello, f*ckers, we’re back”. I think of all the songs that Oasis have done over the years there are three that you describe as the-band-in-a-nutshell which can be used to introduce newcomers: Some Might Say, The Hindu Times, and D’You Know What I Mean?. Pure ego and bluster, anthemic rock and roll, singing everything about nothing. It’s Be Here Now in a nutshell, and in that regard it is the perfect opener for the album.

All things considered though, I think this song is much better when performed live, and Liam has been doing it justice these last few years during his solo gigs. It being sung in a lower key works in its favour I think.

Track #2 – My Big Mouth

In case you didn’t know that the music of Be Here Now is layered to the moon and back, here’s your reminder. In all seriousness though, this is one of the highlights of the album as it displays the classic Oasis attitude and the Gallaghers acknowledging the silly bollocks they end up saying off the stage. For a laugh I would have released this as a single with Wibbling Wivalry as a b-side. Louder than loud but still a fine addition to the playlist.

Track #3 – Magic Pie

As the old saying goes, if you have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything at all.

Opening’s alright.

Track #4 – Stand By Me

Despite Halifax milking this song dry in the post-pandemic world, it does remain one of my favourite singles from Oasis. While we’ll see it on full display later on, we get hints of Liam’s more gentle and sentimental side with a touching performance that includes some higher notes he doesn’t often climb to. It’s a ‘take-a-chance’ kind of song, with the narrator dismissing the future and asking someone to stand by him and make the best out of the present. Very relatable as we grind our way through the twisted twenties.

Track #5 – I Hope, I Think, I Know

Like Hindu Times, this is one that I see a lot of praise for (at least, in comparison to the rest of Be Here Now) but I don’t see the hype. Indeed, in my Masterplan review I suggested that this should have been replaced by Stay Young. This is one of those songs which strikes me as obvious that Noel’s little well of guitar riffs has run dry, as on display we have what I can only describe as a combination of Underneath the Sky and the theme tune to A Question of Sport. It’s a rehash of the standard Oasis swagger we’ve already heard on the first two tracks, the only difference is it’s Liam’s best vocal performance so far.

Track #6 – The Girl in the Dirty Shirt

As I said in the introduction to this review this was the last song I listened to during one of my initial run throughs of the album before I gave up. Maybe it’s because it’s underproduced by this album’s standards, which makes it stick out like a sore thumb and comes across as a bit boring. But then you realise it’s a breath of fresh air, with Oasis finally taking their foot off the gas and adding a bit of 60s-style jangle to proceedings. Not bad but not brilliant.

Track #7 – Fade In-Out

The opening made me imagine the band rocking up into a town with no name in the wild west on horseback. I’ve got that to thank the song for I guess. Unfortunately that’s where the praise ends because while the last track was underproduced, this one was overproduced to the point where the vocals are swallowed up by the noise. Shame because this is a very Beatles-esque track (Helter Skelter namedrop aside).

Track #8 – Don’t Go Away

Sweet is not often a word you’d associate with Oasis but that’s exactly what this song is. In a sneak preview of the next album, the Gallaghers wear their hearts on their sleeves as they plead dear Peggy not to go. If you’ve had a moment where it looked like a close friend or relative may be going forever (shifting off the mortal coil or otherwise) then you’re going to love this one unconditionally.

It also confirms that regardless of the quality of the songs, this album has been the best showcase of Liam as a singer. He knows when to turn on the snarl and yet he can just as easily flip the coin and show the softie underneath. Be Here Now shows he can play both parts with ease. It also signals that Oasis are back on winning form after putting us through nearly 20 minutes of bloat.

EDIT: So this is a week after I finished writing this review for publishing later in the year, and I just have to say that Noel Gallagher is a thieving bastard. I’m listening to Marshmellow Lane by the Real People, one-time associates of Oasis who recorded the album in 1992, a few years before Be Here Now. I get to the song Feel the Pain and we hear Tony Griffiths deliver the lyrics “Don’t go away/say that you’ll stay/forever and a day”. Kind of ruins the heartfelt nature of Don’t Go Away, it suddenly doesn’t feel that genuine as they’re not Noel’s words. That’s really irritated me.

Track #9 – Be Here Now

Genuinely this would be one of my favourite songs on the album, and indeed this reminds me that Oasis were still in that phase of their careers where almost any song they produced would be single-material for any other band. It’s a total throwaway on the level of Put Yer Money Where Yer Mouth Is but it gets stuck in your brain thanks to the attitude in Liam’s vocals and the guitarwork from Noel and Bonehead. There’s just one problem though.

Those noises at the end of the first series of verses, not sure if they’re from the plastic piano or someone whistling into the mic or what but…they sound like the f*cking Clangers. I swear to God. And at the end there’s a flushing toilet. I have a feeling there were more than a few lines snorted when this particular song was recorded. Like D’You Know What I Mean?, this is a song where I prefer stripped down, purely rock driven live versions (See the GMEX and Air Studios performances).

Track #10 – All Around the World

All Around the World has the ingredients to be one of my favourite Oasis songs. The guitar hooks which lead into the chorus are simple yet sublime. The lyrics resonate incredibly well in this day and age. The key changes throughout manage to add extra layers of epic to the song. This could and should be the best song on Be Here Now. So why isn’t it?

Well, it’s just another Be Here Now song. If this were the only one of its kind in terms of production and length then I would have happily called it a pièce de resistance from Oasis. However, by this point in the album it is just same old same old and instead it is reduced to being just another drop in the ocean. That should not take away from the fact that this is still a good song, but I think it’s better appreciated when heard on its own as a single rather than as part of the trip from station to station.

I have to bring up the video aswell. I think the band went all out to create a video that would be cycled ad infinitum on MTV and rake in the gold at all the awards shows, and the final result was their equivalent of the Magical Mystery Tour film. I mean…sausage leg creatures and temple structures being wanked off. That’s not the creation of a sober mind.

Track #11 – It’s Getting’ Better (Man!!)

Is it?

Track #12 – All Around the World – Reprise

That door slam had to have been put in during one of the more lucid moments, surely. What a metaphor.

Conclusion:

I think during my latest listen of Be Here Now, I finally got it. I finally liked it. Like I said at the beginning, I like my albums shorter and snappier. And ironically, one of the shortest songs on the album was my least favourite. So how did I finally learn to appreciate Be Here Now?

Well, the simple answer is this: just don’t give a f*ck. Be Here Now blew up in its face because it failed to live up the hype. But let’s be real, no album could have lived up to the hype. Oasis could have made the lovechild of Dark Side of the Moon and Abbey Road and it would have still fallen short. Be Here Now was a half-hearted attempt by a band who were burnt out and in it for the money, who gave us something unoriginal and uninspired. But if they don’t care, why should we? It’s still good music. Just enjoy the good times.

There’s no escaping that Be Here Now is bloated and overdone, it’s a fact. And there will never be a day where it’s my favourite Oasis album. If I ever come back to it again, it will be to listen to it in chunks rather than in one long session. But saying that, I want to come back to it soon, even though I can only really say that I like half of the tracks on offer. As I say, all you need to do is turn off your mind and float downstream.

Entry #38 – Eurovision 2023 (a.k.a 2 hours of my life I am never getting back)

The following entry was all typed up in the immediate aftermath of the 2023 edition of the Eurovision Song Contest, prior to the results being fully announced. A quick TL;DR on those results though:

  • France and Switzerland were shafted.
  • Germany did not deserve to be rock bottom.
  • Sweden as winners? I can live with it.
  • I’m amazed the UK didn’t get nul puis again. Mae’s a class act but the song was not.

And now, the review.

It is half past ten on a Saturday night. I thought it might be a good idea to watch Eurovision with the parents. Bit of an error on my part because Christ alive what a dull showing it was this year. When I watched it back in 2021 (See thoughts and feelings here: https://asideglance.com/2021/05/24/entry-28-eurovision-2021-a-k-a-from-bad-to-worse-to-amanda-holden/) there were at least some acts that stood out in terms of musicality, catchiness and occasional cringiness. This year, for better or worse, the most cringy thing we got out of the night came after France performed when Alesha Dixon decided it was a good idea to hype the crowd up with an off-the-cuff rap. I nearly folded inside out.

Everything just felt so samey this year, mostly run of the mill generic pop. It felt like a diluted stereotype of a Eurovision show. When the 2021 contest wrapped up I added a fair few songs to my ‘Open Mind’ playlist (Songs I wouldn’t normally listen to but still to some degree like). This year…there’s probably only one or two songs tops that I might add. Barely anything stood out.

I spent the evening making a couple of notes as we went along and I don’t want to let them go to waste so here is my summary of all 26 acts to perform in Liverpool for this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.

Austria:

Starting with the guilty pleasure of the night, it was catchy enough (saying “Poe, Poe, Poe, Poe” will do that) but got a bit boring after a while. I don’t know if the singer in white couldn’t remember the choreography or if she was deliberately half-arsing it.

Portugal:

Like in ’21, the music was beautifully catchy and I loved the use of the castanets. Subtle and sultry are the two words I’d use to describe it. At this point I was optimistic about how the night might go.

Switzerland:

I was even more optimistic when this song was performed. The lyrics and the story told together with the context of the Russian invasion of Ukraine meant this was song of the night for me. The only thing that didn’t quite land for me were the autotuned ‘oh’s from the backing vocalists.

Poland:

Filter overload could not disguise the fact that this was shit.

Serbia:

Graham Norton slaughtered this one on commentary before it even started. As soon as he used the words ‘soap dish’ to describe whatever it was the singer started in, it was dead on arrival.

France:

I thought the singer was phenomenal, she had brilliant stage presence. I’ll always give kudos to anyone who can stand on a podium that high in the air, I’d be shitting myself silly up there.

Cyprus:

Another spectacular voice but it was wasted on such a cookie cutter pop song. One of those ones you’d swear blind you’d heard on the radio as of late. It also could’ve benefitted from having some backup dancers to liven things up a bit.

Spain:

Presentation was alluring but the song got worse the longer it ran on for. Dear God, those high notes were dreadful. In fact Hannah Waddingham managed to hold a better note when she was announcing Albania!

Sweden:

Brought to you in widescreen! In terms of raw singing power this was the best of the night.

Albania:

“The von Shut Your Trap family” – My Dad.

Italy:

This guy was a decent singer too. Unfortunately you wouldn’t realise it because he got completely and utterly upstaged by the dancers in the background bouncing on and off those steps.

Estonia:

The first of many acts that earned a mere shrug of the shoulders. Nothing memorable about it whatsoever. If a self-playing piano is your main talking point then you haven’t succeeded this day.

Finland:

A human centipede? Constipated walking? Nearly decapitating yourself on a wire? F*cking hilarious.

Czechia:

It was kind of them to project the lyrics on the floor for us to read, very considerate. I also thought it was an interesting choice to use footage from the title sequence from The Tomorrow People.

Australia:

I had high hopes when Graham said they did pop metal. I thought ‘Finally, we get some guitars rather than the generic pop beats’. Bit naïve of me. Apart from momentarily flipping their biscuits whilst doing the middle eight, this was a massive disappointment.

Belgium, Armenia, Moldova, Ukraine:

Four straight acts of nowt. I thought Ukraine might bring something decent to the table but no, it was just one long streak of tedium.

Norway:

The first act I can say I enjoyed after Finland.  Great singing, great music, great choreography, great costumes. It’s in the playlist too.

Germany:

While I felt the singer was posturing a wee bit too much for this particular genre of music, this was a much needed wake up call. Energetic and red raw vocals when the title was sang. We’re back on winning form.

Lithuania:

Never mind, false alarm, back to being dull.

Israel:

The opening four seconds was the peak of the song. Comparing yourself to a unicorn is a little bit strange. The dance solo was admittedly rather neat.

Slovenia:

My kind of music. Seemed like a group of sweet guys.

Croatia:

Absolutely f*cking mental. I loved every second of this.

United Kingdom:

We waited two and a quarter hours for that. I knew whatever we brought out this year was going to pale in comparison to Sam Ryder’s effort from last year but…we might as well have just asked James Newman to do Embers again.

Highlights – The ones you should definitely listen to again:

Switzerland, France, Germany, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Croatia.

Entry #37 – Every Bond Song Ranked from Least Favourite to Favourite (a.k.a This is not going to end the way you think it is)

Welp. I’m doing a listicle. It was bound to happen eventually.

Two years ago on this blog I talked about the soundtracks to the James Bond films, picking out some of my favourite tracks from over the decades. While having a good soundtrack is a must for any Bond film, the true jewel of the crown when it comes to their music is of course the main title song. There are two objectives that these songs must accomplish; set the tone for the film ahead, and neatly sync up with titillating visuals provided by Maurice Binder or Daniel Kleinman. I refer you now to the clip of Alan Partridge recreating the opening to The Spy Who Loved Me.

Of course I could just do what I usually do with Sampling Soundtracks where I pick out some of my favourites and briefly blast the ones that make my skin crawl, but this time I have decided that I want to cover each and every single Bond song from over the past 60-odd years. There is something that can be said about each and every one of them, whether it be down to vocal performance, instrumentation or lyrics.

For the record, songs not played over the title sequence and not featuring lyrics are exempt from this list. But if they weren’t then rest assured that On Her Majesty’s Secret Service and the Bond theme itself would be a shoe-in for the top 3.

Dishonourable Mention – Never Say Never Again

It’s 1983. The Battle of the Bonds. Roger Moore is set for yet another fun romp in Octopussy, but the original Bond himself Sean Connery is returning for Never Say Never Again! Surely this calls for a  bombastic, brassy tune akin to Goldfinger to set up his grand return. Uh-nope. Instead we get cheap 80s synth and lyrics better suited for a parody. Now that I type that, ironically that makes it the perfect fit for the film as it is a cheap 80s knock off of Thunderball. But most certainly not suited for the return of Sir Sean.

Honourable Mention – Spectre

Believe it or not this is the song that spurred me to make this list in the first place, even though it was not an official Bond song. The story goes that Radiohead (Who are no strangers to Bond-esque songs, see Man of War) paused recording of A Moon Shaped Pool to make Spectre, a song which shows Jonny Greenwood terrifically flexing his muscles as a composer and Thom’s lyrics accurately reflecting Blofeld’s status as the author of all of Bond’s pain. Unfortunately the film’s producers turned it down for being too dark and dour, to which I say this: f*cking idiots. The film Spectre is one of the lesser entries in the series but having Radiohead at the top with this song would’ve elevated it in my book. And turning it down for being too dark and dour? You are aware of who Radiohead are, yes?

Anyway, let’s get on with the list proper.

#22 – All Time High

There’s nothing inherently wrong with All Time High, it’s a serviceable song. It’s just that it is the latest in a long line of ballads that were prevalent in the Roger Moore era and is by far and away the blandest. There’s nothing to say about it really, it’s just…there. As soon as the last note fades away you’ve immediately forgotten what you’ve just listened to. You may aswell skip the titles altogether and get straight on with the rest of the film.

#21 – Die Another Day

I rewatched Die Another Day not too long ago and while I had a fun enough time with it, I can’t pretend that I like this song. The opening violins are nice and creepy but that’s the peak of the song as Madonna’s autotuned vocals scrape your eardrums like fingernails on a chalkboard. However, it and everything that comes after are better than All Time High on the grounds that they are, for better or for worse, memorable.

#20 – Another Way To Die

Another Way To Die is a good representative of what is wrong with Quantum of Solace as a whole; it’s too gritty and lacks the elegance of Bond. The film was seemingly made with the sole purpose of being dirty and choppy and the same applies to the song. Jack White’s guitar work is disjointed, appearing to fuse multiple riffs together and create a tune that only barely classifies as a song. Alicia Keys would’ve been great on her own but her and Jack’s vocals clash like green and purple. It’s all just so sloppy.

#19 – The Man with the Golden Gun

It’s got a great glam-style guitar riff and Lulu has proven that she doesn’t give a toss how daft the lyrics are, which I can commend. Doesn’t change the fact the song is a bit shit.

#18 – Writing’s On The Wall

I can’t stand Sam Smith. They are a pretentious, up their own arse, class-A wanker and this song is a prime example of that, boasting at the time about how it only took 20 minutes to write. That’s not an accomplishment, it’s a pisstake. If this were an instrumental though I would absolutely love this song because it does honestly have one of the most majestic sounds of them all. I’ll admit Sam’s choral falsetto is impressive, but it’s just so wet and makes me cringe. I find myself preferring cover versions done on YouTube.

#17 – Moonraker

One-dimensional and I’m willing to bet there is no one out there who considers this even top 10 material. I do find it a perfectly pleasant listen though. It is Shirley Bassey after all, you can’t go wrong with her.

#16 – Goldfinger

Yup, I went there. Look, it’s my personal favourites and least favourites and unfortunately Goldfinger, iconic as it is, falls towards the lower end of the scale. I was going to complain about how loud it is but that bombastic volume does suit such an ostentatious figure like Auric Goldfinger. It’s good, don’t get me wrong, I just happen to like fifteen other songs more. Again though, it is Shirley Bassey, and nothing can take away from what is frankly an awesome vocal performance.

#15 – Licence to Kill

This one actually finds itself being compared to Goldfinger a lot, and I can see why – It is essentially the same kind of song brought into the 80s. Which might be why it’s around the same spot; I flip flop on which is my preferred choice. Today, it’s Licence. Maybe it’s my Dalton bias, those two films of his are personal favourites of mine.

#14 – The Living Daylights

Love me a bit of a-ha, this song is wonderfully serene with a romantic melody. It just lacks a bit of punch that should’ve been present for a debut film.

#13 – For Your Eyes Only

Possibly the Bond song that I find myself revisiting the most, For Your Eyes Only is not one that really gets you pumped and ready for a Bond film but I love the instrumentation provided by Bill Conti (Yes, Bill ‘Gonna Fly Now’ Conti did the score for this film).

#12 – No Time To Die

It took a while for me to work out where to place No Time To Die. I love Hans Zimmer’s instrumentation and after dealing with a year and a half of Billie’s whispery vocals on songs like bad guy, her singing here really impressed me (Truth be told I was not optimistic when she was announced as the singer in 2019). However, it suffers from All Time High’s problem of being the latest in a long line of slow and sombre tunes and comes across as a little tiresome as a result. Maybe I might warm to it more as I get older but for now, like the film it’s part of, it’s firmly middle of the road.

#11 – Diamonds Are Forever

Easily my favourite Bassey rendition, I adore the bassline that runs throughout the song and kicks off the second verse.  It very subtly builds up on itself, with more parts of the orchestra introducing themselves as the song progresses. And of course we end with a Bassey belter of a high note, albeit one that does pale in comparison to Goldfinger’s. But that one quibble doesn’t ruin a great Bond song.

#10 – Nobody Does It Better

Look I’m not trying to piss you off on purpose, I understand why Nobody Does It Better ranks in the upper echelons for most Bond fans. It just has never clicked with me for whatever reason. I can’t deny though that Carly Simon’s performance is arguably the best of the lot, as she sings with conviction.

#9 – Live And Let Die

I’d probably rank Live And Let Die higher if it wasn’t so overplayed. It follows you around like a bad smell. Doesn’t take away from the fact it’s legendary though, and it more than deserves its reputation as one of the best.

#8 – Thunderball

John Barry’s earlier Bond scores has a certain harshness about them that carries into this song, giving it a sophisticated edge that perfectly suits 007. And of course you can’t go without mentioning that last note from Tom Jones which caused him to pass out. It’s clear they’re trying to replicate the success of Goldfinger, but it absolutely works.

#7 – A View To A Kill

The best part about the film for better or for worse. Hip 80s and the lyrics are convoluted enough to give I Am The Walrus a run for its money, but the guitars are absolutely sublime. It’s a testament to a song’s quality when it only takes one strum and a few drumbeats to get you hyped up.

#6 – GoldenEye

Get ready because we’re about to blitz our way through the rest of the Brosnan songs, starting with the first. There’s something so infectiously sultry about GoldenEye that combines with the Goldfinger-esque horns that make it such a quintessential Bond song. It’s very 90s and might sound ever so slightly dated but when has that ever stopped these songs from being good?

#5 – Tomorrow Never Dies

Surrender is better, yes, and in an ideal world would not have been a song relegated to the end credits. But I refuse to allow Sheryl Crow to be completely shoved off to the side, considering she and the rest of the crew only had two weeks to put it all together. Given that small time frame, it’s a miracle we got something as good as this, with some of the best lyrics to be found in any Bond song. Another one I often revisit.

#4 – The World Is Not Enough

I love the concept of doing a Bond theme from a villain’s point of view, with Shirley Manson surmising Elektra King’s ploy to take over the world with Renard and being a cold-hearted manipulative bastard to Bond along the way. Oddly though I actually prefer the version that plays over the film’s title sequence; there’s some trumpet work interwoven throughout that gives the song a touch of majesty and helps bridge the gaps between the verses and the chorus.

#3 – Skyfall

There will never be a day where I don’t like Skyfall. Adele is the Shirley Bassey of today and puts so much energy and conviction behind this song. I still get goosebumps from the opening horns too, takes me back to when I saw this in the cinema for my birthday.

#2 – You Only Live Twice

Bet you didn’t expect this so high did you? This is by far and away the most underrated Bond theme, the guitarwork is such a spine chiller, the overall melody has the suitably melancholic feel of a funeral, and Nancy Sinatra turns in such a delightful performance. You Only Live Twice. Once when you’re born. And once when you listen to this song for the first time.

#1 – You Know My Name

Of all the Bond themes, this is the one I’m guilty of dancing to. Pumped up and re-enacting Bond’s movements throughout the title sequence. Christ I was a weird child. Anyway, while Quantum of Solace was just pure grit, this one perfectly balances the classiness and the harshness of James Bond. The lyrics convey the stone-cold nature of the job (“The odds will betray you/and I will replace you”), the guitars are as spiky as Daniel Craig’s portrayal of 007, and the orchestral work from David Arnold hints at the gent under the iron. Forever and always my favourite Bond theme.